What Makes a Good Parent? 10 Lessons From 20 Years of Raising Kids and Teaching Parenting Classes

What actually makes someone a "good parent"? Warm and nurturing, or firm and consistent? A best friend, or an authority figure? After two decades raising my own two kids — now 18 and 17 — and years teaching parenting classes at our local community center, I keep landing on the same definition, and it holds up better the longer I sit with it: a good parent is someone working themselves out of a job. Good parenting is really the slow, deliberate process of raising a person who eventually doesn't need you to function in the world.

That's not just a nice turn of phrase. It's backed by decades of developmental psychology research, and it's the thread running through every piece of advice below.

What the Research Actually Shows

Parents ask me constantly what good parenting looks like in practice, and I never answer that lightly — every parent-child relationship is different, and anyone selling a one-size-fits-all formula is oversimplifying something genuinely complicated. But we're not working from guesswork either. Developmental psychologists have studied parenting styles for well over fifty years now, and the findings have been remarkably consistent across that time.

Psychologist Diana Baumrind's foundational research identified what's now called the authoritative parenting style — high warmth paired with clear, consistently enforced expectations — as the approach most reliably linked to well-adjusted, independent, socially competent kids [1]. More recent work has tested whether this holds across different cultural and ethnic contexts, not just within the populations Baumrind originally studied. A meta-analysis examining European American, African American, Hispanic/Latino, and Asian American families specifically found that authoritative parenting was associated with fewer internalizing problems (like anxiety), fewer externalizing problems (like aggression), and better academic achievement across all four groups — while neglectful parenting was linked to worse outcomes regardless of ethnicity, with no significant difference in how strongly that association showed up [2]. A separate, large-scale meta-analysis of over 300 studies on parenting and academic achievement reached a similar conclusion: authoritative parenting consistently outperforms both permissive and authoritarian approaches, with the effect notably stronger for kids from disadvantaged backgrounds [3].

In plain terms: warmth without structure doesn't prepare kids for independence, and structure without warmth doesn't either. You need both, across cultures and circumstances. That balance is really what every point below is trying to describe in practical terms.

1. Say "Yes" More Than You Say "No"

Saying yes doesn't mean no limits — it means reframing limits as sequence instead of refusal. "Yes, you can have a cookie after dinner." "Yes, you can see your friend after your room is clean." Kids hear "yes" as trust extended, not permission given away freely, and that distinction genuinely matters for how they internalize rules rather than just comply with them under protest.

2. Hold On Loosely, But Don't Let Go

I think of parenting like a long sledding run. The first five years are the hardest, most physical stretch — gathering gear, learning the basics, surviving the exhaustion. The next five are the climb, where trust gets tested constantly; kids are quietly asking "can I count on you?" and parents have to keep answering "absolutely." The final stretch is the ride down — guiding, enjoying, and helping your kid recover from the inevitable wipeouts. The goal across all three stages stays the same: moving a fully dependent person toward full independence — socially, financially, emotionally, and spiritually.

3. Know the Difference Between a Covenant and a Contract

A covenant doesn't require two parties to hold up their end — it's given freely. My love for my kids is a covenant: they don't earn it, and they can't lose it. Plenty of things in a household do run on agreement, though, and that's healthy. "Finish your homework, then we'll go to the movie." "Grades come up, car privileges open up." Kids need to know which parts of the relationship are unconditional and which run on mutual follow-through — confusing the two causes real damage in both directions.

4. Your Children Are Not "Yours"

I helped create my kids, and I'm endlessly grateful for that role, but they don't belong to me. My job isn't to be the boss of them — it's to help them become capable of being the boss of themselves. That's a subtle shift in language, but it quietly changes almost every parenting decision you make day to day.

5. Don't Hand Them Your Unmet Dreams

A kid carrying the weight of a parent's unfinished ambitions is one of the heaviest burdens a childhood can hold. I want my kids building their own dreams, not finishing mine. On the literal or metaphorical playing field of life, my job is to cheer from the sideline, not relive my past through their present.

6. Speak Truth Into Their Lives

Kids often see themselves the way their parents describe them. That gives parents real power to shape a child's sense of what's possible — sometimes it means saying "I know you can do this" even when it sounds like wishful thinking. At the same time, part of good parenting is honestly steering kids toward what actually fits them — noticing where their real gifts lie, whether that's music, art, athletics, or something else entirely — while leaving the final decision about their path in their hands, not yours.

7. Aim for Completion, Not Perfection

Kids don't need a flawless parent. They need a present one. Parenting is as much about the parent's own growth as the child's — the humility of realizing you're being shaped by the process too is part of what makes it work.

8. Say "I'm Sorry" Quickly

I mess up regularly, and I say so. It's humbling to realize your teenager already understands more algebra than you ever will — and reassuring, in a way, too. No parent can be everything for their child. What you can do is make sure they know they're cared for and not alone, even when you get it wrong.

9. Don't Parent Alone

Whether you're married, co-parenting, or leaning on extended family, parenting isn't meant to be a solo act. My husband of 21 years is gifted in ways I'm not, and I've watched him untangle situations with our kids that I couldn't have handled the same way. Learning when your particular strengths are the right fit for a given moment — and when someone else's are — takes time. Be patient with that learning curve.

10. Build in Something Bigger Than Yourself

I believe kids are part of a design bigger than any one parent can manage alone, and prayer has been my way of holding onto that truth in the hard, murky stretches of parenting. Whatever grounds you — faith, community, an outside perspective — build it in. You need it.

When Parenting Advice Isn't Enough: Knowing When to Call the Doctor

Good parenting principles help with the everyday work of raising resilient, independent kids, but they're not a substitute for professional care when something more serious is happening. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends routine mental health screening for adolescents starting at age 12, and for younger children when warning signs appear, because early identification meaningfully improves outcomes [4].

Contact your child's pediatrician if you notice:

Sadness, withdrawal, or irritability that persists for two weeks or longer
Significant, sustained changes in sleep, appetite, or weight
A sudden drop in school performance or refusal to attend school
Loss of interest in friends or activities they used to enjoy
Talk of self-harm, hopelessness, or death — or any evidence of self-harm

The Bottom Line

There's no perfect formula for raising kids, and anyone who claims otherwise hasn't actually done it. But the research and the lived experience point in the same direction: warmth plus structure, freely given love plus honest limits, and a parent willing to loosen their grip a little more each year. Do that consistently, and you're doing the job well — even on the days it doesn't feel like it.

Disclaimer: This piece reflects the author's personal experience raising two children and teaching community parenting classes, alongside published developmental psychology research. It is not a substitute for individualized guidance from a pediatrician, therapist, or licensed family counselor. If you have concerns about your child's mental or physical health, consult a qualified professional directly.

References:

Baumrind D. Effects of Authoritative Parental Control on Child Behavior. Child Development. 1966;37(4):887-907.
Pinquart M, Kauser R. Do the associations of parenting styles with behavior problems and academic achievement vary by culture? Results from a meta-analysis. Cultural Divers Ethnic Minor Psychol. 2018;24(1):75-100. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28459263/
Pinquart M. Associations of Parenting Styles and Dimensions with Academic Achievement in Children and Adolescents: A Meta-Analysis. Educational Psychology Review. 2016;28(3):475-493.
American Academy of Pediatrics. "Depression in Children and Teens." HealthyChildren.org. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/health-issues/conditions/emotional-problems/Pages/Understanding-Teenage-Depression.aspx
American Academy of Pediatrics. "Teen Mental Health: How to Know When Your Child Needs Help." HealthyChildren.org.